i wasn’t always the ‘big girl’. well, puberty has a little to do with it. so does dropping out of EVERY sport i’ve ever been a part of in my life. so. here’s my story.
looking back on all my pictures of me when i was kid, i can’t help but think “wtf happened?” and my answer is: i got moved to a different city with my family, right when i turned thirteen. (worst time to move a fucking kid!) i lost all my friends, and decided to wall myself off from everyone. so i got lost in the internet. it took ONE summer. JUST ONE THREE MONTH PERIOD for me to go from a normal sized teenaged girl to BLAM. blob-central. from sitting on my ass in a computer chair i developed love-handles from satan himself, along with back fat and my thighs grew larger than ever before. it was like all my years running, training, and busting ass for sports was totally worthless now. i was once a track star. and a basketball star. and a volleyball star. and a baseball star. and a cheerleader. everything a girl wanted to be, that was me. i even did boy things like skateboard and rollerblade.
after eighth grade, i was a whale. literally. i topped out at over 250lbs. it was horrible. i hated myself for letting me become the way i was. freshman year, my parents divorced (which is GOOD), however what happened during the divorce drove me and my siblings into a depression. the rest of that year i kept to myself and kept walled up in my dungeon of a room and sat on the computer talking to people online about how much my life sucked because i was fat instead of getting out of the house and DOING something about it.
sophomore year in high school i got in with drugs. LOTS of drugs. pot and pills, mostly. i took whatever i could get my hands on. for two whole years i was in a whirlwind of pill-addiction, and i didn’t know how to get out of it. (so there’s proof that poppin’ pills DOES NOT MAKE YOU THIN) i also drank, a lot. i even put alcohol in bottles and took it to classes with me. fucking fifteen years old poppin’ six vicodin and god knows what else a day, followed by continuous drinking. i continued on this whirlwind until after i graduated high school. and then i just stopped.
when i stopped all my drug use and drinking, i finally started losing weight - naturally. i worked a lot, and walked around a lot. (didn’t get a car until i was nineteen, and i was seventeen when i graduated - sooo i walked to work when my mom couldn’t take me). the summer of 07, i got out of a really bad relationship of two and a half years. i was in total bliss. my weight started dropping off, and i managed to make it to 190lbs without even bothering to pay attention to what i ate or drank, or anything.
then i was stupid and got back into another bad relationship. and the drug use started right back up. along with the drinking. not to mention, i’d been smoking cigarettes this entire time as well. it wasn’t until i took too many pills, smoked one too many joints, and had a few too many shots that i found myself puking out of the drivers side of my mom’s car (which i was driving without a license), and woke up an hour later with my face on the pavement right outside my house that i realized i needed to quit all of this. so i spent from 2007 (decemberish) all the way to now fighting the urge to pop another pill just to make the here and now disappear. (it’s still a daily struggle, and i fight with myself all the time)
so, fast forward to now. i’m back at 210lbs, which is my own doing since i didn’t pay attention to what i put in my body. i regret a lot of choices i’ve made in the past, but i wouldn’t trade them for anything. (can’t lie, i did have some pretty bombass weekends!) now i’m going to bust my ass to get fit. and be healthy. it’s not going to kill me, it’s going to keep me from killing myself. granted, i still smoke cigarettes, and i’ll never quit smoking weed. (sorry. but thankfully i don’t get the munchies OR laziness from tokin’ up!) i am working on quitting cigarettes, though. and i’m doing pretty good. YAY for that.
i just want all of you out there that are trying to be healthy to know that you are NOT alone. you never are alone. even if i’m just another chick running some blog, i’m here. i don’t have any real life support - not until Ant finally comes around (which he will when he sees i refuse to give up), so i know how much it sucks to struggle just because you don’t have any healthy food in the house, or anyone to say “KEEP GOING” when you think you can’t go any further.
i want to be able to look in the mirror and smile and be happy with what i see. not just be happy with myself from the neck up. (sorry. i am a little shallow about my face hahaha) i’m doing this so i can wear the outfits i imagine myself wearing ALL the time. things that actually express my personality instead of jeans and a fucking t-shirt, both bought a size bigger so i don’t feel fat in them. i want to wear cute sun-dresses, i want to go to the beach in the summer with short-shorts and a bikini top, i want to go to the grocery store with pajama pants on and not feel like a cow. i want to have sex with Ant, and take control and be on top with CONFIDENCE instead of putting off having sex because i feel gross. i want to go into victoria’s secret and buy sexy underwear and NOT be embarrassed about it. i want to wear leggings and a sports bra when i work out. i want to wear a frilly short skirt over jeans without looking like a plump fairy. i want to be SEXY on halloween. i want Ant to carry me on his arm with pride. i want Ant to be able to pick me up and twirl me around. i want him to be able to toss me around when we have sex. i want confidence. i want to feel sexy. i want to gasp at my before and after pictures, and then cry because i finally, for the first time in my life, accomplished something FOR MYSELF AND NO ONE ELSE.
i’m nikkie. i’m just another girl, dreaming of bigger and better things. i’m changing myself. i’m going to be healthy. i’m going to be fit. i’m going to be able to wake up and smile at my reflection every day. i’m going to do this. and i’m not going to quit. not for anyone, or anything. this is going to be a permanent change. because one day, soon, i will be able to throw my middle fingers up at the rest of the world and say: “fuck you for calling me fat and fuck you for saying i couldn’t. I DID THIS. for me. not for you. not for some guy. FOR ME. and i’ve NEVER been happier in my life.”
